They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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