Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
