something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
