if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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