Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
