Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i drank out of a bidet.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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