I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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