I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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