Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
