I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
you never un-have a 4some
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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