Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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