I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
