Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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