i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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