I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
