After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
a search helicopter?!
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
