He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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