I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
