I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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