too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Can I color on your dick again?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
