mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
