I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
did i just pee glitter
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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