i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
