i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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