i would punch a child for taco bell
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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