Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
is wine microwaveable?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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