Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
