I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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