The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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