We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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