I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
