Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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