Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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