this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I think my fart just growled at me.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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