he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
