Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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