i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
