she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
