Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
