i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
