I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
