Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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