Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
love makes seman taste better
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
