Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My sheets look like a crime scene.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
