Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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