Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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