I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
This is the high leading the old right now
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Randomize
