Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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