so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
