Too much gin, very little bucket
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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